a new era

For those that know my personal breastfeeding story... I think my son is done.  I know, I know... I said it before but then we had a few moments of him needing some reassurance, family travels which I think made him feel disconnected, life, etc.  And now it's been about two weeks.

It's very strange for me.  Wow.  I experienced my first "baby" weaning from breastfeeding in the most uneventful, anti-climactic, non-stressful, easy, and completely child-led way.  Exactly how I read about it happening.  I feel great about it but.... I feel sad in a reminiscent way.  Thinking about those early days (about 90 really hard ones) of pain, crying, and yet never giving up hope really seem like yesterday.  Even though the weaning process had been soooooo gradual and sooooo smooth, why do I feel like it caught me off guard?  Remembering all those extra tired nights when I secretly wished he would be done I want to take back.  Perhaps he was ready for it a lot earlier than I was.  Just as he was ready to show me his first tooth before I was ready to give up that cute toothless smile.  Just as he is ready to jump down from the tree before I am ready.  Just as he is ready to be away from me for an entire day before I am from him.

Someone asked me if I knew that the last time was "the last time".  No, because it was happening so infrequently at the end and I started to lose track of when he breastfed last.  But that question made me realize how I'm so lucky it happened that way.  If I had known that the very last time was going to be it, I would have been a big, soggy mess.  I would have wanted to take pictures.  I would have eaten a whole tub of ice cream.  I can't imagine it going any smoother and I'm so glad that it followed his timing.  For kids, there are so many emotionally eventful things in their lives that happen based on someone else's timing or rules.  A child starting kindergarten at five, whether they're ready or not.  A child having to give up playing with a toy whether they're ready or not, so they can learn a lesson about being polite.  Their mommy or daddy leaving them to go to work, whether they're ready or not.  A child getting a new sibling, whether they're ready or not.  Being forced to grow up quickly, whether they're ready or not.

Not this journey.  No Ma'am.  This journey ended for him when he was ready, no sooner and no later.  He was able to decide when and how, and he owned that process.  He is a more confident boy because of it.  And I am the mother that I am today because of that journey that we went on together.

My tandem nursing days are over.  Luckily for me, I still get to breastfeed my other "baby" at 22 months.  And luckily for me, my older son still loves to snuggle and hold my hand tightly as he falls asleep every night.  I am lucky and grateful for what lessons breastfeeding has taught me.