What's a mom to do?

The ever popular questions for holistic mamas: co-sleeping, vaccinations, breastfeeding, homebirths, cloth diapers. Or in my case, diaper free... We all sit around drinking our organic tea, with our organic sunscreens, working in our organic vegetable gardens wishing our cell phones could be made from organic, sustainable, free-range materials. To be or not to be?

I had an epiphany the other night. Well, I should start off by saying that when I went to the pediatrician for the boy's check up, he (the doctor, not Kien) suggested that we find some kind of sleep routine that included him going to bed at an earlier hour. It wasn't a must-do, or a threat to call social services. It was merely a suggestion. Then he said, "Of course, you and your husband have to determine if it's worth it to give up that time that the dad gets to spend with his son." You see, if I make the boy go to bed at 8pm (as is the "suggested" time) then Dad and Son will hardly ever see each for at least three days a week. And the other days of the week would be very limited in "play with Daddy" time. But I was sucked into this "You really SHOULD..." business.

So, that night I rocked him to sleep and when he was still somewhat drowsy but not quite asleep I placed him in the Co-Sleeper. Now, let's talk for just one second about this thing called the "Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper". This product deserves some recognition. It's basically a crib with a raised platform so that when the baby lies in it, he is basically at the level of your own mattress. You then have it pushed up against your bed so that you can be close to the baby.

Well, for the longest time, it's definitely been pushed up against our bed. You better believe it! It looks really special~ soft and cozy just like in the advertisement. Well, our only adjustment to using this product was that we didn't actually use it to place the baby in. No, the baby slept with us. Now that was soft and cozy. Very special. We got used to placing other things inside the co-sleeper. In fact, for a while we were using it as a night stand. Just place a book inside and it instantly becomes stable enough to hold your water glass. It's also great for keeping extra diapers, blankets, and toys. Our main purpose for this contraption was to store our nice, frilly pillows from our consistently unmade bed. You know, the "decoration" pillows that you don't really ever use. So, after a month or so of utilizing this storage facility, my husband began calling it "The Pillow Holder".

Where is the My Breast Friend? Where else? In the pillow holder. What did I do with that bra pad? Of course!!! Check in the pillow holder. I can't find my phone. "Did you check the pillow holder?"

At times it held more than pillows. But not once did it actually hold a sleeping child. This too also came with a constant reminder of how much we paid for our "pillow holder". I remember many early mornings when the boy was sleeping in the bed with us, perpendicular to the rest of it's inhabitants which causes me to lie on my side at the utmost edge of the bed. This is because his foot made it's way to my rib cage. It was those overly tired mornings when I actually considered crawling into the pillow holder so I could have more room. Unfortunately, there's a weight limit which I definitely exceed.

Anyway, after some time, we graduated to putting the boy in the pillow holder. Unfortunately, I had to find another place for our pillows. He would sleep in this thing for various amounts of hours through out the nights (sometimes seven hours, sometimes we didn't get past two hours). However, it was enough hours in the night to re-qualify it as a co-sleeper. However, just as we're getting used to it, the boy is on the edge of reaching the weight limit. Luckily, I have a place to put my pillows again.

Okay, back to this great epiphanous night. (Is that a real word?) I place him in the co-sleeper when he's not totally asleep and he instantly wakes up to realize what is going on, and starts with low grunting noises showing me his discontentment. So, I think that if I lay next to him (on the adult mattress) and sing to him he'll go back to sleep. This went on for 10 minutes, and after 10 minutes his face was beet red and he had snot spilling out of his nose because he was crying so hard. He even looked at me through those humongous tears and reached out his hand to try to touch me. Several times. I was sad. Severely disturbed. This "method" just didn't feel right.

Now, I know all about not spoiling a child, helping them become independent, blah blah blah. Spoiling a child, in my terms, is giving them everything they want and never saying no. Not picking them up when they want to be comforted, in my book, is refusing love. Especially when this child is only seven months old.

So, I picked him up and told him I was sorry for just watching him cry. My singing just wasn't that good, I suppose. Then came the epiphany. This whole "crying it out" thing IS NOT FOR ME!!!! It does not resonate with me at all. There's not an ounce of my intuition that tells me that this is the way to handle the situation. Now, I understand perfectly well that other parents are capable of this tactic and some people believe that this is the ONLY way to make a child independent. (I must point out that my doctor did NOT say this was the only, or "right" way to handle this. He said if that was my style then I could try it.) That ain't my style. I'm not ashamed to admit it. If that makes me a pushover then so be it.

After I picked him up and kissed him, I nursed him for less than 60 seconds before he happily entered dream land. He looked so incredibly peaceful and calm, and his body language told me that he felt very safe and secure back in my arms.

As I stared at this beautiful creature, I pondered on what had just transpired. I didn't think "Okay, we'll try that again tomorrow." Hell no. I thought long and hard about what my intuition was saying. It was actually incredibly sacred to sit there on the bed, with the boy asleep in my arms, as I dug deep into my heart. It's like everything became so clear.

I've never been one to follow the rules, or go along with the current trends simply because that's what "everybody else is doing". It actually hurts my brain to think about other people being led so easily. My point is that I never would have considered myself to fall under a certain parenting style, mostly because I never knew what any of them were all about or what they were called. Referring back to my "Happiest Baby on the Block" story, I've always just felt that if you listen carefully enough then your baby will tell you what he/she needs. In my past, whenever I've listened to my intuition closely enough it leads me to exactly where I want to go. Perhaps it's all those years of acting that helped me hone that skill.

Back to this night... What I first concluded was that I am going to completely throw away this notion of getting the boy to bed by "bedtime". When he was two months old, he very clearly let me know when he was tired and wanted sleep. At seven months old he gives me pretty much the same signals. So, I decided then and there that I was going to let him tell me when he was tired. First of all, getting him to bed earlier would mean that he would wake up earlier. I kind of like the fact that we all sleep in until 8am together. I really don't need him awake at 6am. I don't understand the point of having a huge fight with him for two hours as I try to get him to go to sleep at 8pm only to have him finally fall asleep at 10pm. Why can't I just make those last two hours of our day fun, memorable and happy?

Then I began to think that if we have a big battle every single night trying to get him to go to bed at 8pm then surely he will not have good feelings associated with going to sleep. RIGHT?!?!? I mean, this is all sounding like common sense to me. On the flip side, if every night we only spend five or ten minutes rocking him to sleep and the whole process is us snuggling together as he dozes off, then I have to believe that he will have really great memories of going to bed. Now, remember to check back with me when he's six and I'll let you know how this theory plays out. But for now, this feels good to my inner-mama. As I said before, it's not like he's got an important meeting to go to in the morning...

The second phase of my epiphany-filled evening has to do with this issue of WHERE he sleeps. That famous question that troubles all the new moms that I know. Some don't want to admit that they sleep with their babies in the same bed, and some think it's the greatest thing since, well... since the day their baby was born.

I remembered several (at least 20) nights where my hubby is half awake on the couch watching tv while I finish up whatever I'm doing. Usually I'm writing until 1 or 2am. I have always told him, "You should go to bed. You don't have to wait up for me." His response is sweet and dear and what every wife wants to hear. "I don't like going to bed with out you. I can't sleep until you come to bed anyway." Now, while this is sweet, I don't think he's just saying it to score points. I have seen him toss and turn in bed while waiting for me to stop saying "I'm almost finished." for the 100th time. He really doesn't like to go to bed until I'm there.

So, again, as I held this sweet, peaceful baby in my arms I remembered my husband's words. Let's remember that my husband is a grown man with the ability to reason and understand logic. He understands that he is not actually lost in a dark abyss if left alone in a dark room. He understands that if I'm not there he has not been completely abandoned. He fully realizes that this room is not going to swallow him whole. Yet, he still insists that he sleeps better when I'm there. So, if he hates going to sleep in an empty, cold bed then why would I think that the boy could do it. Or more importantly, why should he have to do it? He does not have the ability to reason. The boy does not understand why he feels so scared. And worst of all, he does not feel safe and secure.

After I thought about these things, I realized that it's unfair to ask my son to understand why I'm leaving him to cry hysterically in the bed all by himself. And him adapting, or just getting used to the idea that I wont be there for him is not acceptable for me. That's not really a lesson that I want him to learn.

That night he slept very close in the bed right next to me. I reassured him that the world was safe.

Afterwards, I told my husband about this epiphany. He was very understanding and in fact, after I gave him the example of him not sleeping until I got into bed, he really didn't have much of a counter argument. My other argument was that if human babies take the longest of all mammals to learn how to survive on their own, then why would we think they don't need us during this incredibly vulnerable time called SLEEP?

I have heard before the phrase, "Gaining independence through dependence". I like this phrase. It resonates with me. To me, it means that if my son gains a sense of security by knowing that I will always be around if he needs me, then he will be more brave and willing to venture out on his own (because he knows exactly where the safe zone is). This translates into the boy having confidence. The opposite would be a child never knowing where to find his security, therefore never feeling as if he could walk forward with confidence.

This is only how I see it. I am okay with people not agreeing with me and I am certainly okay with people practicing other parenting styles. Some people think my approach will lead to him being too needy or too dependent. After being with my boy for seven months, I just don't see it that way.

Of course, I really know nothing when it comes to textbook parenting. I could be way off base here. But I have to tell you, these past three nights have been really wonderful. No more fighting to make him fall asleep. He just goes, peacefully and at his own free will. (Well, okay, free will for a seven month old...)

I sometimes think that these modern techniques, books, and theories are all about making the child fit into your schedule. "The 8 o'clock bedtime is so that you can feel like you have time to yourself." Not necessarily because it's healthier for them. "They need to understand who is the authority figure." By making them go to bed at the specified time? What's more important- authority or trust?

In today's very busy society of super-moms, working moms, do-it-all moms, some women are having children thinking that nothing will change. They will continue on with their lives, go back to work after six weeks of maternity leave, and make the baby fit into their carefully planned agenda. Sometimes I felt like the facilitator of my support group (which I disliked) approached childrearing as a inconvenience and a nuisance.

Well, I have news for her followers! It IS inconvenient. I brought another human being into this world. We're not talking about goldfish here! Motherhood threw a huge wrench into my already steady life. The boy is not just an extra something to add to my to-do list.

So, here's what I'm screaming about: Having a child IS a lifestyle change, no matter how you slice it. And unless you have a nanny or Netflix, you better get creative in how you plan to raise this creature that desperately needs you to survive. Isn't it the parents job to adapt to the new lifestyle? And in return you will teach them how to be flexible. An important life skill, last I checked. I don't think it's the kid's job to already know where he fits into your busy calendar.

I mean, for crying out loud, I quit my job in order to take care of the boy full time. Talk about change in lifestyle! And I will be the first one to admit that accepting this fact is really hard. It's also been really hard to learn how to not give up my identity completely. (That is a work in progress.) And by all means, I'm not saying working moms are bad, or "crying it out" is wrong. There are a million different ways to parent and there is definite validity in each of them. Finding the right one for your family can be challenging. I just think we have to look at the reasons behind why we are doing things. And it shouldn't be just because the doctor said so.

My pattern is to have NO pattern

So I just had a great EC (aka: Diaper Free) moment tonight that I have to share really quickly (for any other EC parents out there). I didn't realize until I got back just how cool it was.

I wanted to go to the store to pick something up but it was already 8:30pm so I was kind of in a hurry. I grabbed my wallet, my keys, and rolled up an extra diaper and stuck it in my pocket. And off I went! Oh yeah, I grabbed the baby too!!! This was the closest I've gotten to experiencing an outing without my four ton baby bag in tow, and I was damn proud. I just up and went, like back in the day when "leaving with a moment's notice" was still part of my lifestyle. And to add chocolate frosting to the cake, both the baby and I returned with a dry diaper! Yay for a good EC night!

Okay, on to my topic at hand:

Well, he's going to sleep later and later. Not quite sure how that happened. It used to be 8pm. Okay, 8pm-ish. Then all of a sudden, we've been getting him to sleep at 10pm. He sort of just skipped the nine o'clock hour. Last night, silence fell upon us at 10:30pm. I told my husband, "Maybe we should try to put him down 10 minutes earlier each night."

Tonight at 10:30, he was ready to run a marathon. Clearly someone bathed him in some coffee. Tonight's final bedtime? 12am. This was after a walk around the neighborhood to get him to pass out. Something very fishy is going on here. Perhaps we have lost all control and the boy rules the house.

However, lately I've begun to think it's a little sad to spend more time wishing my son was asleep than being awake. Yeah, sad isn't it? I mean, here is this little happy creature and all through out the day I would just look at him and say, "Why aren't you sleepy?" Looking forward to his naps because this is the time when I would (attempt to) "get things done." But he's six months old now. I've let six months pass by wishing he was asleep for all of it. I should probably start thinking of him as a human baby, not a bear in the middle of winter.

I'm facing reality now and acknowledging that even when he does take a nap I hardly get anything done anyway. I'm far too easily sidetracked to finish any project on the "list". So, I might as well just embrace his waking hours (which feels like 32 hours straight), and think of his naps as mere blips of silence in my day.

Sleep for us has been a family issue since the day he arrived. We all participate in thinking about it. The parents wish we got more of it. The child, not so much. Unfortunately, he's taken on his mother's trait of being a night owl. Like his mother, the boy is fully charged at 10pm. Ready to go and eyes wide open. Now I know how my poor parents felt every night that we battled this out. During my pregnancy I barely slept, often watching reruns in the early mornings. Early sleep training for the boy, I suppose.

I remember one "expert" adamantly said "Nine o'clock is WAY too late for a baby to go to sleep." I never liked her "expertise". Supposedly it was a support group, but I felt like it was an hour all about things we (okay, namely I) were/was doing wrong. And they incorrectly marketed the group as a place where all parenting styles are welcome and there is no judgement. I did find there was no judgement from her, as long as we agreed with what she was discussing. But in regards to things that were "wrong": Judgement. Raised Eyebrows. A lot of silence after my verbal contributions. Well, no, in retrospect it wasn't just silence. It just felt like dead silence to me. It was more along the lines of first getting a smile through gritted teeth, followed by some silence to process what I just said. And then smoothly segueing into the next topic that she had outlined in her notebook.

My one big complaint was that I wished she could have remained more neutral. However, when she says something like, "I have my own opinion about this which I won't share." but knowing exactly what that opinion is by the tone of her voice isn't exactly what I would call without agenda.

Okay, I lie. My other really, really big beef with her was that she wasn't up to date with the latest trends, research, or parenting styles. As an "expert", I expected her to be able to suggest several ways to try things. Not just say "Here's what you do." and then send us on our way (more confused).

She told me that most people (clearly she was included in this group) feel that a child isn't ready to learn how to use the potty until they are around three years old. Then several weeks after I had been trying and learning about EC (no thanks to her) I happened to mention that it was going well. Her response? "So, you're still sticking with that?" She had that same teeth gritting smile whenever I spoke. AS IF my way was putting a big cramp in how she ran her class. AS IF she felt my crazy ways were completely worthy of a call to social services. AS IF I was blowing her cover that she really didn't know how to hide passing judgement. AS IF what I choose to do was making my life much more difficult than it had to be. Little does she know that I haven't changed a poopy, explosive diaper since the first week that I started EC'ing, four months ago.

My child will not be sitting in his own waste when he's three years old. To me, that is worthy of a call to social services. But what do I know? I ain't no expert.

I'm fine with accepting her opinion as merely an opinion, but so many times I wished she would have been up-to-speed enough to offer us other opinions or ways of thought. Instead, we got: "This is what the research shows, so this is really the best way to do it." What happened to: what works for some may not work for others. Or: Try methods A, B, and C. They're all good methods.

Call me weird, but that is the reason why I joined the group after all. "It takes a village." Ya know, that whole thing...

I remember one time the group was talking about a particular book like it was the bible. And I asked, "What is this book that you all are referring to?" And the "expert" looked at me like I was nuts that I hadn't memorized each page before the baby was born, let alone hadn't heard of it. She says (paraphrasing here), "It's called The Happiest Baby on the Block by Dr. So and So. Blah. Blah. Blah. It's a great book. He tells you the eight important things you should do to calm your baby. You should read it."

Apparently I was the only one in the room to not have read it. My boy (in the early days before he was capable of smiling and laughing) was quiet, content, observant, and I dare say, HAPPY. Okay, maybe, MAYBE he wouldn't qualify as the happiest baby on the entire block, but since when did this become a competition? Isn't it a little too early to be putting so much pressure on him?

Needless to say, I never read the book. My boy is quite happy, thank you. He's smiling about 90% of the day, every day. On a side note, you know what really makes me laugh? I've heard that the doctor that wrote this book on child rearing doesn't even have kids. To me, that's about as interesting of a read as the book that Britney Spears' mother was writing on parenting before her underage daughter got knocked up. Clearly these people know what they're talking about.

I had to get rid of all my pregnancy books because they made me crazy telling me things that I "should be" feeling. I spent more time worrying about why I wasn't feeling something instead of rejoicing in the fact that I felt friggin' GREAT!!!! I clearly remember reading that if women don't experience morning sickness then there's a higher chance that there will be a miscarriage over women who spend their mornings leaning over the toilet bowl. Well, I did not have one day, not even a full hour of morning sickness. Can you imagine what my crazy neurotic mind was thinking???!!!??? For months, I cursed the day this author was born, and then I cursed myself for even buying the book.

So, come time for boy-raising, I decided that I'd do something a little risky and follow my gut for the mommy stuff too. Heck, let's just say intuition is my guide. So what that I've screwed up a few times here and there. So what that I let him stay up until 10pm. It's not like we're up watching America's Got Talent and eating popcorn. I'm actually doing things to stimulate his cute, little growing brain.

And by the way, Ms. Expert in Child Rearing, my husband happens to come home from work at 9pm. So, unless it's better to have my son go to bed every night after not seeing his Daddy all day, then I'm going to do things my way. It ain't like the boy has an important meeting to go to in the morning.

This is certainly not in any book, but this is how we do things around our completely schedule-less house. Here's a picture of the boy, lying naked, without a diaper on our bed. No blanket, no sheets. Directly on the mattress. Oh, and wait a minute! What's that on his face? I think that's the beginning of a smile. Yeah, my boy is happy.

So, it's too late for me to write about what I was really going to write about. I sort of went off on a tangent about my support group "expert". She'd have a conniption if she knew my boy's un-schedule. I guess today's topic was really more about how I've chosen to follow my heart and do my own research instead of just doing whatever it is that I'm told to do. Sure, I admit, this entry sounds a little fueled. But I'd like to think of it as having some passion.

Well, as the rest of my life goes, I'll have to finish what I meant to do another time. I think I was going to talk about patterns. Getting sidetracked is really exhausting.