Pattern Schmattern

It's true.  Once you figure out their pattern, they change it on you.  And I think they actually laugh at you when you look dumbfounded because you're trying to figure it out, once again.  Well, okay, I understand that I'm speaking in general terms.  I am quite certain that MY child is laughing at ME because of my constant confusion, while I scratch my head looking like an ape.  

I was very excited because for almost one week straight Kien was waking up at 7:30am on the dot, then I'd put him on the potty and he'd poop.  I would be very confident for the rest of the day that his pooping was done with.  Then we would play happily until his mid morning nap, the one where I too got in an extra 1.5 hours of sleep for myself.  

After four days of this, I thought "I got it!  I can do this.  In fact, this is EASY!!!!  Bring it on.  Why, I dare say that I'm ready for child #2."  

Day five: I AM A PROFESSIONAL MOTHER.  GET OUT OF MY WAY!  

Day six: "Let me tell all you other mothers just how easy this is."  

Day seven: Kien is wide awake at 5:30am, smiling, laughing (at me), hitting me in the head as I lay next to him.  Most of the time I think it's cute that he still doesn't have full control of his arms and legs, so I'm amused when I see his chubby limbs swinging wildly thru the air.  However, there are other times when I think he actually wants to beat me unconscious.  This is one of those times.  How many times have I tried to lay next to him thinking that if he sees me with my eyes closed then he'll get the idea that he too should close his eyes for "sleepytime"?  He's five months old.  Yes, when I think about it I understand completely that this is an absurd demand.  But this is my problem: I don't want to think.  I have no energy to think.  Thinking uses up valuable resources and I am in no position to waste resources.  So, back to my pattern idea: WHAT PATTERN???  I humbly return to accepting my position as know-nothing, dehydrated, un-showered, stay at home mother.  

So, now at 5:30 in the morning, I try to read to him while laying in the bed together.  I am much too guilt ridden of a mother to allow him to spend his awake time staring off into space because no one will play with him.  "Stimulate his brain" they say.  So I whisper the words so Dad can sleep, and hold the book up above our heads because I'm too lazy/tired to sit up with him.   Then before I know it the book is hitting one of us right in the eye or stabbing us in the throat because I've dozed off.  Yes, dozed off while reading to my son.  It is possible to get thru an entire book, make all the funny voices, point to all the pictures while still being asleep.  This is possible because I have read the book so many times that I can turn the pages and point to all the objects with my eyes closed.  I know that in the book "Mimi's Toes" that Mimi's toes gets tickled by her mama on every page.  This makes Kien smile, every time.  I, on the other hand, can not pretend each time that I am surprised.  So, naturally, when my eyes are closed the next step is, quite logically to fall asleep.  Go ahead, make your judgements.  Here is the problem: when I am asleep I lose some muscle coordination so I am not able to hold a book up over our heads.  Again, more proof that I am not a super hero.  But it's a damn good thing that "Mimi's Toes" is a spongey type book for the bathtub so there are no sharp edges.

We're on day #4 of the "new" pattern, so now I can look at the clock without disdain when it reads 5:32am.  I understand that it will soon change.  I still look confused, mostly to make sure that I continue to humor my child.  And of course, the other pattern that has changed is his pooping schedule.  As I mentioned before, his intestines go to work between 7:30 and 7:40 every morning and after he gives me a pretty clear signal, his morning poo is cleanly deposited into his potty.  He smiles, laughs, and sings while making his deposit.  I smile, laugh, and sing because I know his bowels are moving regularly.  Well, during this new pattern, I no longer smile, laugh, and sing.  I spend the early morning wondering when the big explosion is going to happen, try to read his "I gotta poo!" signal, and stare at his penis more than his face because that tends to be more accurate.  (My son has a truthful penis~ now that is an attribute that any mother can be proud of.)

Ah-ha, at 6:42am his "deposit" has been made and I can move on with my life.  Thank god I caught the signal, cuz it was a biggie!  The anticipation of this event has weighed heavily on my mind.  I am very excited for my 1.5 hour nap.