I had an epiphany the other night. Well, I should start off by saying that when I went to the pediatrician for the boy's check up, he (the doctor, not Kien) suggested that we find some kind of sleep routine that included him going to bed at an earlier hour. It wasn't a must-do, or a threat to call social services. It was merely a suggestion. Then he said, "Of course, you and your husband have to determine if it's worth it to give up that time that the dad gets to spend with his son." You see, if I make the boy go to bed at 8pm (as is the "suggested" time) then Dad and Son will hardly ever see each for at least three days a week. And the other days of the week would be very limited in "play with Daddy" time. But I was sucked into this "You really SHOULD..." business.
So, that night I rocked him to sleep and when he was still somewhat drowsy but not quite asleep I placed him in the Co-Sleeper. Now, let's talk for just one second about this thing called the "Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper". This product deserves some recognition. It's basically a crib with a raised platform so that when the baby lies in it, he is basically at the level of your own mattress. You then have it pushed up against your bed so that you can be close to the baby.
Well, for the longest time, it's definitely been pushed up against our bed. You better believe it! It looks really special~ soft and cozy just like in the advertisement. Well, our only adjustment to using this product was that we didn't actually use it to place the baby in. No, the baby slept with us. Now that was soft and cozy. Very special. We got used to placing other things inside the co-sleeper. In fact, for a while we were using it as a night stand. Just place a book inside and it instantly becomes stable enough to hold your water glass. It's also great for keeping extra diapers, blankets, and toys. Our main purpose for this contraption was to store our nice, frilly pillows from our consistently unmade bed. You know, the "decoration" pillows that you don't really ever use. So, after a month or so of utilizing this storage facility, my husband began calling it "The Pillow Holder".
Where is the My Breast Friend? Where else? In the pillow holder. What did I do with that bra pad? Of course!!! Check in the pillow holder. I can't find my phone. "Did you check the pillow holder?"
At times it held more than pillows. But not once did it actually hold a sleeping child. This too also came with a constant reminder of how much we paid for our "pillow holder". I remember many early mornings when the boy was sleeping in the bed with us, perpendicular to the rest of it's inhabitants which causes me to lie on my side at the utmost edge of the bed. This is because his foot made it's way to my rib cage. It was those overly tired mornings when I actually considered crawling into the pillow holder so I could have more room. Unfortunately, there's a weight limit which I definitely exceed.
Anyway, after some time, we graduated to putting the boy in the pillow holder. Unfortunately, I had to find another place for our pillows. He would sleep in this thing for various amounts of hours through out the nights (sometimes seven hours, sometimes we didn't get past two hours). However, it was enough hours in the night to re-qualify it as a co-sleeper. However, just as we're getting used to it, the boy is on the edge of reaching the weight limit. Luckily, I have a place to put my pillows again.
Okay, back to this great epiphanous night. (Is that a real word?) I place him in the co-sleeper when he's not totally asleep and he instantly wakes up to realize what is going on, and starts with low grunting noises showing me his discontentment. So, I think that if I lay next to him (on the adult mattress) and sing to him he'll go back to sleep. This went on for 10 minutes, and after 10 minutes his face was beet red and he had snot spilling out of his nose because he was crying so hard. He even looked at me through those humongous tears and reached out his hand to try to touch me. Several times. I was sad. Severely disturbed. This "method" just didn't feel right.
Now, I know all about not spoiling a child, helping them become independent, blah blah blah. Spoiling a child, in my terms, is giving them everything they want and never saying no. Not picking them up when they want to be comforted, in my book, is refusing love. Especially when this child is only seven months old.
So, I picked him up and told him I was sorry for just watching him cry. My singing just wasn't that good, I suppose. Then came the epiphany. This whole "crying it out" thing IS NOT FOR ME!!!! It does not resonate with me at all. There's not an ounce of my intuition that tells me that this is the way to handle the situation. Now, I understand perfectly well that other parents are capable of this tactic and some people believe that this is the ONLY way to make a child independent. (I must point out that my doctor did NOT say this was the only, or "right" way to handle this. He said if that was my style then I could try it.) That ain't my style. I'm not ashamed to admit it. If that makes me a pushover then so be it.
After I picked him up and kissed him, I nursed him for less than 60 seconds before he happily entered dream land. He looked so incredibly peaceful and calm, and his body language told me that he felt very safe and secure back in my arms.
As I stared at this beautiful creature, I pondered on what had just transpired. I didn't think "Okay, we'll try that again tomorrow." Hell no. I thought long and hard about what my intuition was saying. It was actually incredibly sacred to sit there on the bed, with the boy asleep in my arms, as I dug deep into my heart. It's like everything became so clear.
I've never been one to follow the rules, or go along with the current trends simply because that's what "everybody else is doing". It actually hurts my brain to think about other people being led so easily. My point is that I never would have considered myself to fall under a certain parenting style, mostly because I never knew what any of them were all about or what they were called. Referring back to my "Happiest Baby on the Block" story, I've always just felt that if you listen carefully enough then your baby will tell you what he/she needs. In my past, whenever I've listened to my intuition closely enough it leads me to exactly where I want to go. Perhaps it's all those years of acting that helped me hone that skill.
Back to this night... What I first concluded was that I am going to completely throw away this notion of getting the boy to bed by "bedtime". When he was two months old, he very clearly let me know when he was tired and wanted sleep. At seven months old he gives me pretty much the same signals. So, I decided then and there that I was going to let him tell me when he was tired. First of all, getting him to bed earlier would mean that he would wake up earlier. I kind of like the fact that we all sleep in until 8am together. I really don't need him awake at 6am. I don't understand the point of having a huge fight with him for two hours as I try to get him to go to sleep at 8pm only to have him finally fall asleep at 10pm. Why can't I just make those last two hours of our day fun, memorable and happy?
Then I began to think that if we have a big battle every single night trying to get him to go to bed at 8pm then surely he will not have good feelings associated with going to sleep. RIGHT?!?!? I mean, this is all sounding like common sense to me. On the flip side, if every night we only spend five or ten minutes rocking him to sleep and the whole process is us snuggling together as he dozes off, then I have to believe that he will have really great memories of going to bed. Now, remember to check back with me when he's six and I'll let you know how this theory plays out. But for now, this feels good to my inner-mama. As I said before, it's not like he's got an important meeting to go to in the morning...
The second phase of my epiphany-filled evening has to do with this issue of WHERE he sleeps. That famous question that troubles all the new moms that I know. Some don't want to admit that they sleep with their babies in the same bed, and some think it's the greatest thing since, well... since the day their baby was born.
I remembered several (at least 20) nights where my hubby is half awake on the couch watching tv while I finish up whatever I'm doing. Usually I'm writing until 1 or 2am. I have always told him, "You should go to bed. You don't have to wait up for me." His response is sweet and dear and what every wife wants to hear. "I don't like going to bed with out you. I can't sleep until you come to bed anyway." Now, while this is sweet, I don't think he's just saying it to score points. I have seen him toss and turn in bed while waiting for me to stop saying "I'm almost finished." for the 100th time. He really doesn't like to go to bed until I'm there.
So, again, as I held this sweet, peaceful baby in my arms I remembered my husband's words. Let's remember that my husband is a grown man with the ability to reason and understand logic. He understands that he is not actually lost in a dark abyss if left alone in a dark room. He understands that if I'm not there he has not been completely abandoned. He fully realizes that this room is not going to swallow him whole. Yet, he still insists that he sleeps better when I'm there. So, if he hates going to sleep in an empty, cold bed then why would I think that the boy could do it. Or more importantly, why should he have to do it? He does not have the ability to reason. The boy does not understand why he feels so scared. And worst of all, he does not feel safe and secure.
After I thought about these things, I realized that it's unfair to ask my son to understand why I'm leaving him to cry hysterically in the bed all by himself. And him adapting, or just getting used to the idea that I wont be there for him is not acceptable for me. That's not really a lesson that I want him to learn.
That night he slept very close in the bed right next to me. I reassured him that the world was safe.
Afterwards, I told my husband about this epiphany. He was very understanding and in fact, after I gave him the example of him not sleeping until I got into bed, he really didn't have much of a counter argument. My other argument was that if human babies take the longest of all mammals to learn how to survive on their own, then why would we think they don't need us during this incredibly vulnerable time called SLEEP?
I have heard before the phrase, "Gaining independence through dependence". I like this phrase. It resonates with me. To me, it means that if my son gains a sense of security by knowing that I will always be around if he needs me, then he will be more brave and willing to venture out on his own (because he knows exactly where the safe zone is). This translates into the boy having confidence. The opposite would be a child never knowing where to find his security, therefore never feeling as if he could walk forward with confidence.
This is only how I see it. I am okay with people not agreeing with me and I am certainly okay with people practicing other parenting styles. Some people think my approach will lead to him being too needy or too dependent. After being with my boy for seven months, I just don't see it that way.
Of course, I really know nothing when it comes to textbook parenting. I could be way off base here. But I have to tell you, these past three nights have been really wonderful. No more fighting to make him fall asleep. He just goes, peacefully and at his own free will. (Well, okay, free will for a seven month old...)
I sometimes think that these modern techniques, books, and theories are all about making the child fit into your schedule. "The 8 o'clock bedtime is so that you can feel like you have time to yourself." Not necessarily because it's healthier for them. "They need to understand who is the authority figure." By making them go to bed at the specified time? What's more important- authority or trust?
In today's very busy society of super-moms, working moms, do-it-all moms, some women are having children thinking that nothing will change. They will continue on with their lives, go back to work after six weeks of maternity leave, and make the baby fit into their carefully planned agenda. Sometimes I felt like the facilitator of my support group (which I disliked) approached childrearing as a inconvenience and a nuisance.
Well, I have news for her followers! It IS inconvenient. I brought another human being into this world. We're not talking about goldfish here! Motherhood threw a huge wrench into my already steady life. The boy is not just an extra something to add to my to-do list.
So, here's what I'm screaming about: Having a child IS a lifestyle change, no matter how you slice it. And unless you have a nanny or Netflix, you better get creative in how you plan to raise this creature that desperately needs you to survive. Isn't it the parents job to adapt to the new lifestyle? And in return you will teach them how to be flexible. An important life skill, last I checked. I don't think it's the kid's job to already know where he fits into your busy calendar.
I mean, for crying out loud, I quit my job in order to take care of the boy full time. Talk about change in lifestyle! And I will be the first one to admit that accepting this fact is really hard. It's also been really hard to learn how to not give up my identity completely. (That is a work in progress.) And by all means, I'm not saying working moms are bad, or "crying it out" is wrong. There are a million different ways to parent and there is definite validity in each of them. Finding the right one for your family can be challenging. I just think we have to look at the reasons behind why we are doing things. And it shouldn't be just because the doctor said so.
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